Peter P
by Lara-Van
Summary: I was just thinking. There are a LOT of fictional characters with the name Peter and the last initial P. This technically crosses over five different categories, but since I can only pick two, it's under Heroes and Spiderman. Cracky oneshot


Official Warning: This is fairly cracky, not to be taken seriously AT ALL. I was just thinking about how many Peters there are with the last name beginning with P, and this just sort of grew out of that. Rated M because I've spent too much time reading petrelli heiress's Pylar slash-fics tonight and she's infected me with her dirty mind. So yeah, the first part of this is a shoutout to petrelli heiress. There's some slashy stuff, but I promise it only lasts a couple of paragraphs. And it's crack. So yeah.

--

Peter raised a hand crackling with electricity. "Sylar, you've met your match!" he shouted. "You'll never hurt anyone ever again!"

All at once, Sylar threw him back onto the ground with his telekinesis. "Whatever," he said. "This always goes the same way. You babble on about how you'll stop me this time and how I'm never going to get away with this, and then I completely pwn your ass." He grinned evilly. "And then if you're unconscious long enough I drag you back to my apartment for a little--"

Peter covered his ears. "Lalalalalala, not listening!" he said in a sing-song voice. "If I don't hear it it doesn't happen! My mortal enemy does not lust after me!"

Sylar rolled his eyes. "I do not lust after you!" he yelled. "Ever since I ate my last girlfriend's brain I haven't been getting any. And frankly, my right hand just ain't cutting it anymore."

"EEEEEEEWWWWW!!!!!" Peter squealed. "That is so freaking gross! I **so** did not want to know that!"

While Sylar was busy chuckling over his psychological victory, Peter spied a red-and-blue figure swooping down out of the sky to land a sharp jab with both heels on the back of Sylar's head before doing a super-duper-triple-banana-split flip and landing in front of him. Peter's jaw dropped in shock as he stared at the web-decked man standing proudly in the middle of the plaza. Before he could say a word, however, Sylar raised his hand, holding a crackling ball of electricity. "Darn you son of a witch to heck!" he hissed. "You ruined my moment of triumph! I'll destroy you the same way I destroyed my My Little Pony painting set!"

Peter opened his mouth slightly in an attempt to find a comeback to that but failed horribly. Horribly. Meanwhile, Sylar was busy hurling lightning at Spiderman who was dodging nimbly. All at once, Sylar's other hand came up and threw a bolt of electricity in the exact direction the supposedly-fictitious superhero was leaping to avoid his other blast. Without stopping to think, Peter launched himself at Spiderman and teleported away with him.

_Three seconds later..._

"Where the fuck are we?" Spiderman asked.

Peter shrugged. "I guess we're in London."

"Why?"

"I don't know." All of a sudden, Peter seemed to realize who he was talking to all over again. His eyes opened hugely wide and he jumped up and down a little bit. "Oh. My. God. You're **Peter Parker**!!! I'm like your **biggest fan**!! I'm even named after you! My name's Peter Petrelli!"

Spiderman pulled off his mask. "Wait a minute... from that TV show Heroes?"

Peter scratched his head in confusion. "What TV show?"

"Oh, you're the main character of this really awesome TV show. Way cooler than my everday life."

Peter promptly fainted from overload of awesome.

"Hey!" a voice shouted from above them. "What are you doing in Wendy's bedroom!"

Spiderman glanced up to see a young boy clad entirely in a suit of leaves hovering above the balcony they were standing on. "Who are you?" he asked, absentmindedly pulling out about a zillion miles of web from his wrist cartridges.

Peter, meanwhile, was beginning to wake up. As his eyes fixed on the flying boy, he jumped to his feet, wiggling in excitement. "Oh. My. God. You're **Peter Pan**!!! I'm like your **biggest fan**!! I'm even named after you! My name's Peter Petrelli!" Spiderman did a *facepalm*. "I can even fly just like you!" He hopped up into the air and hovered beside his idol. "Come on, let's go 'splorin!"

"Do you want to play games?" the boy who never grew up asked.

"Do I ever!" Peter exclaimed.

A mischievous grin on his face, Peter Pan reached into his little leaf-pocket and pulled something out. "Okay then. Let's play... CATCH THE RAT!!!" He hurled a squealing rat into Peter's face. The rat's claws became entangled in the spiderweb that had stuck to Peter's hair and both Peter and the rat were sorely taxed and severely scratched by the end of the untangling process.

"What... The... F---" Peter started to say, but Spiderman clapped his hand over Peter's mouth.

When Peter glared at him, Spiderman jerked his head in Peter Pan's direction. "Young ears," he whispered.

Peter Pan stared down at them angrily. "I do not have young ears!" he yelled, then spewed a stream of curse words that Peter had never even heard before. And he grew up with Angela.

All of a sudden, the rat turned into a really fat ugly guy. "EEK!" Peter yelled, jumping into Spiderman's arms. "It's some fat bald dude!" Then Peter realized who the fat bald dude was and got down from the disgusted Spiderman's arms. "Oh. My. God," he said breathlessly. "You're **Peter Pettigrew**!!! I'm like your **biggest fan**!! I'm even named after you! My name's Peter Petrelli!" Spiderman did a *facepalm*.

Peter glanced around at all the other Peters. "Hey, yeah..." he said slowly. "So... we're four super-powered dudes. Named Peter. Why don't we go out and kick some ass and save the world and shit?"

Peter Pan grinned and landed lightly on the floor. "Yeah! We can kick the ass of that mother-fucking whore-sucking bastard Sylar!"

Spiderman stared at the little boy in surprise, but didn't ask. Turning to face Peter, he said, "But... last time I checked, this guy--" He pointed at Peter Pettigrew. "--was a villain. What do we do about him?"

Peter Petrelli and Peter Pan glanced at each other. "Well, he's not Sylar..." Peter said slowly.

"...and he's not Cpt. Hook..."

"...but still, he **is** a villain..."

"Ah what the hell. Let's kill him," Peter Pan said. They jumped Peter Pettigrew, pounding him viciously with magical purple rocks. Spiderman groaned and prepared to pull them off him.

Mysteriously, a mysteriously blue police box appeared on the mysterious balcony and a mysterious man stepped out mysteriously. Spiderman did a *facepalm* at the hyperbole.

"Who are you?" Peter asked, slack-jawed. "And... why do you look like Claude Rains?"

The man smiled a queer little half-smile. "I'm the Doctor. And I'm afraid I seem to have... collided several universes. You all have to return to your own universes now. Having this many Peter Ps in one place could potentially destroy the time-space continuum. Come on now, step into the TARDIS, I haven't got all day." Obediently, Peter Parker, Peter Pan, and Peter Pettigrew stepped into the police box, but when Peter Petrelli tried to follow them, the Doctor stopped him. "Not you. You must stay here and confront your gay lover."

"What gay lov-- you mean **Sylar**? Eewwwwww!! He's not my lover!"

"That's what she said," the Doctor muttered under his breath.

Peter looked at him incredulously. "That... um... I don't think that's how you use that phrase."

The Doctor shrugged. "I'm the Doctor. I'm more awesome than life. I can use that phrase however the *bleep* I want."

He stepped into the TARDIS and it disappeared.

After a brief deliberation, Peter teleported back to New York, pwned Sylar's ass for a change, then went and made out with his hot niece in a closet for a couple of hours. Afterwards, he had a few beers and watched every Spiderman movie ever made. As well as all the Harry Potter films, and several renditions of Peter Pan.

~fin~

A/N: Okay, not my best, but what can I say? This is a product of too much sugar, not enough caffeine, and a full day of being left alone in a house that desperately needed belated spring cleaning.

Speaking of, has everybody heard the news? Tim Kring released a statement. Peter's finally gonna get a girlfriend! (and it looks like maybe falling for somebody will restore his original empathic power) (but that second part, in parenthesis, is only speculation right now) (the part about him actually having a girlfriend *finally* is fact, though)


End file.
